What Makes a Great Hotel Toilet: A Rating Guide Brought to You by HowsTheThrone

While rarely is the washroom the focal point of a hotel room (shame Architects!), we often wonder why it isn’t.  Subliminally it is the final reason for picking a certain hotel. An independent single sample size survey found that the main reason for traveling is to experience other cultures’ lavish latrines.  With the grace of the team at Frugal Flyer and a sizable donation to my Polo team, I am pleased to give some behind the scenes insight into the wonderful world of water closets!

A bit about myself, John. Upon completing my Bachelors of Urinal Design, at the University of Regina, and then Masters of Abnormal Noho from the University of Hawaiʻi at Mānoa, I was able to land a respectable job at Hostess in the cream filling sales team.  After years of traveling the world pushing for the fudge flavored twinkie, I found that the one comfort I had after a long day’s work slinging brown logs was getting back to my hotel room and doing the same. 

It then dawned on me that all of these influencer travel blogs are skipping out on the most important part of traveling.  That comforting throne.  I’ve since dedicated the last 6 years of my life to building dookie castles across the globe, in search of finding the best porcelain office to deposit some brownbacks.

Throughout my travels, I have found some nicely equipped facilities, but of course have also had a few unpleasant run-ins. I began documenting my findings to share with the world where to steer clear and where to book an extra night to enjoy that extra spicy shawarma you’ve been dreaming of.  My dream is to sit and review every hotel toilet so no one has to deploy the USS Brownfish in a distressed state.

Toilet Rating Scale

To properly rate a fecal facility, there are many criteria to consider. Unfortunately, the uneducated eye may only see a couple of clearance items from a home depot plumbing aisle haphazardly thrown into a room. That will not suffice for the avid reader or casual traveler.  For any serious toilet connoisseur, I needed to provide a thorough standardized rating system to really give the reader a full experience of a Duke Palace.  My initial list had +120 elements, but my board of directors found that to be too much info to give away for my free blog. Instead, that info is saved for the Patreon group ($15.99/month or $175/year).  

After years of debate, we agreed on 5 main elements (both qualitative and quantitative): 

• Seat
• Paper/Bidet Quality 
• Paper Placement
• Flush
• Finishing Touches

Without giving out too much detail or infringing on my copyright, each category has a possible 70-95 points.  As you can see this will give you a detailed ranking system you can trust to base your travel around.  

While detail is ideal for a registered Potty Professional (P.P.) like myself, this can get confusing for some readers.  For readability for the masses, the ranking is then scaled down to a denominator of 2.  This is an homage to the great Greek Thermae designer, Pericles Orion Onasis, who single handedly revolutionized the bath complexes in Greece. Two was his favorite number, although the reasoning behind this is considered a lost legend.

Elements of the Toilet Experience

Seat

To kick off the rating, the seat, or “The Throne” as we say in the biz, is the first thing people experience.  

Close your eyes and let me set a scene for you. You have been traveling all day, gorging on borderline rancid airline/gas station food.  Hotel check-in is slow. The elevator seems to be on level 142 and stopping on every floor on its way down to the lobby. You finally get in and wait patiently for your stop.  Waddling like a penguin you make it to your room (Executive suite if you are an #inpooencer like me🙂), throw your bags on the floor, and squirm to the Bank of Booty to make a hefty deposit. 

The first thing you will notice is fanny feel. How does the seat cradle your can? Do you feel like your derrière is going to take a damp dip in the dank water below? Is it warm? Why is it warm? Please tell me it’s a heated seat…

They say first impressions are important and the seat isn’t an exception.  Different regions vary in their seat configurations (if any seat at all), so where you were raised can play a sizable role in this rating.  For me, being a worldy pooper, my ratings are met with an open mind and full stomach.

Seat feel is hard to quantify into sub-categories, as one needs to really put some skin into the game to be a good judge.  Therefore this one is best left to the professionals, and trust me, I am one. 

Some notable items are seat width (more surface area for your bottom the better), hole size (too wide of a hole, *cough* UK, can leave you with the feeling of falling butt first into a water grave), the seat height/inner bowl elevation ratio (too small and your bits may be taking a dirty bath), and odd shapes (anything other than a nice oval is high risk, but sometimes the abnormal is comforting).

Quality of Paper

There are several quantifiable factors that contribute to a good quality toilet paper:

Softness

A good quality toilet paper should be soft like a fluffy kitten, so your delicate duff can be pampered with the utmost care. Nobody likes a rough ride, right? Just like my lower back tattoo states “3 ply or the highway!!!”

Strength

The toilet paper should be strong enough to hold up during use without tearing or falling apart. You don’t want it to tear mid-wipe and leave you with a dry finger in the fanny, do you? That’s not a good time for anyone. 

Absorbency

The toilet paper should be absorbent like a sponge. It’s got to be able to soak up all those unspeakable fluids and leave you feeling dry and clean, like a desert breeze.

Rip Symmetry

Your poo tickets should tear from one another with ease and in a nice straight line.  There’s nothing more frustrating than having to fix a fowl tear job on a tissue roll after a hard 40 minute workout.

A Note on Bidets

More like Bidyays! 

Having a bidet at your disposal will significantly increase a toilet rating.  Westerners are more recently experiencing the perks of a bidet, as international travel really picked up early 2020.  More and more stern spray guns are appearing in North American homes, while everyone else has been enjoying these little pieces of heaven for centuries.  Some prefer the basic hand wands, while the ritzy crowd lean towards the built-in, heated, auto aim, front and rear, 7-spray settings, adjustable pressure, air dried, remote control models.  To each their own.

Without getting too in-depth regarding the bidet battle, the same TP specifications still apply when a bidet is included, but having a bidet will almost always outshine its sans-bidet counterpart.  Notable disadvantages for a bidet is an ice cold jet and 9000 power level setting.  A full in-depth bidet rating will be coming soon.

Paper Placement

Roll placement is an oft overlooked feature of a good toilet experience. When the roll is in the right place, the wiping can happen smoothly and without a hitch. But when it’s in the wrong place, things can get uncomfortable faster than a Doritos® Locos Taco meal with all the fixings at Taco Bell.

Now, everyone has their own preference, but my favorite spot is to have the roll directly to the right of the toilet, at about standing waist (sitting elbow) height. Of course, I do respect establishments that instead opt to have the roll directly in front of the toilet, perhaps attached to the vanity if available, and this does respect our left-handed brethren. 

One spot that absolutely kills will tank a rating is roll placement behind the loo, that has you reaching back and contorting your body in ways it shouldn’t have to. If you lack flexibility, or perhaps work your lats at the gym a little too often, that position is going to be near impossible for you. 

Lastly, and this is more of a hotel service detail, we must discuss the toilet paper direction, and debate the age old question, “over or under”?

I’ve always been an over guy personally due to the ease of grabbing the paper, and it is worth noting that studies have shown over to be more hygienic. Under means the roll or your hand is more likely to come in contact with the wall where bacteria may have collected. Food for digestion.

Nonetheless, there are arguments to be had for both sides: 

Flush

After stirring up the honey pot, it’s time to say goodbye to Winnie the Pooh.  Let’s explore how this is done.

Rush

The initial surge of water should be strong enough to free up any stuck-on stains, but not too strong as to shower the surroundings.  There are some things that don’t need to go through your system twice.

Drop

Very similar to an EDM bass drop, the excitement when the cistern siphon kicks in can be both electrifying and calming.  Seeing the water level begin to drop with your droppings is a humbling feeling, no matter your tax bracket.

Duration

A finely tuned toilet float will give the optimal duration to fully clean the bowl.  As the saying goes, “Anything longer and you’re wasting water, anything less and you’re left with a mess”.

Sound

From start to finish, the flush has a few different noises.  Finding the equilibrium between performance and discreteness is paramount, as I have yet to have a hotel provide hearing protection nor a pressure washer in the dunny dungeon.  62 dB (or less) and a squeaky clean bowl is what manufacturers should be striving for.

Ambiance

Surveys show that home poops are better than away poops.  Familiar and friendly surroundings will help you along your journey.  While there are many items that can help with ambiance, like leg room, color scheme, art, lighting, and view, this subcategory is highly subjective and extremely controversial in the industry.

Finishing Touches

Finally are the items you notice in the refractory poo period.  

How was I able to find the throne in pitch-black? Nightlight.  

Why are my feet weightless? Heated floors.  

What happened to all the items I had in my hands? Counterspace.   

This is the miscellaneous section where anything and everything can be included. The overall feeling you get from start to finish plays a big role and it is what finishes up the rating section.

Examples of Good and Bad Toilet Experiences (with Ratings)

Good to Excellent (1.5-2)

1.95/2 The St. Regis Maldives Vommuli Resort, Maldives.  Beach Villa.

It’s always a nice treat when you’re asked to stay another 5 complimentary nights in a different room. The @stregismaldives wanted a toilet review for their beach villas, and boy oh boy! Nothing better than natural sunlight through floor-to-ceiling windows in the recycling laboratory. Makes you feel like you are all alone in the outdoors, just you, a hole, and the latest edition of Digestive Digest magazine.

Nice stone work, butt sprayer, handy phone for calling in snacks for those long ones, and a great view of the dual outdoor showers! Great for sharing with family and friends! Ultra low flow for environmental sake, I’d rate this setup just under the over water villa at 1.95/2, very impressed!

Average to Above Average (1-1.5)

1.49/2 Renaissance Cairo Mirage City Hotel, Cairo, Egypt

Okay okay, I’ll go already! When 1000’s of Throners are all up in my DMs wanting some Mediterranean content, I must go find a fresh cold seat. For the fans. First stop is the finely finished Cairo Renaissance Hotel, complete with exquisite tile work, and ample space. Flowing into the plumbing, we have a standing shower, supine bathtub, sitting toilet, and Booteus Maximus sprayer. 4/5 S’s! Quite an exclusively elusive encounter!

While you may not be able to see any ancient structures from your window, you will be able to make your own Great Pooramids in absolute comfort. You won’t want to skip this throne when you’re in Egypt, so come on by, I might still be here waiting! 1.49/2 Don’t miss this hidden treasure.

Bad (0.5-1)

0.91/2 Canadian Motel, North Battleford, Alberta

Another day another double dumper. Just East of Southern North Battleford you will find this quaint Canadian Motel! There is high demand for my reviews as I was contacted for another local sampler. Lovely little room, with a fully private pootorium. Door included. Everything you need is within reach and just 1 wipe away. Grab a Taco bell and settle in for a little Eat, Poo, Love action. 0.91/2. Remember to close the door or your family will also be tasting what you ate for lunch.

Horrendous (0-0.5)

0.11/2 Captain Platform, North Sea

Oh boy! Next time you’re out kayaking in the North Sea and you want some privacy for a tinkle, turn a blind eye to the Captain Platform. Pretend it’s not there and keep paddling till there’s a wave you can squat behind. While it may be a steady surface to charm a colon cobra, you will be worried about the odd floor stains, jet engine vacuum flush, and cramped quarters. As we all know, pictures speak louder than words. If I could give this a 0.11/2 I would. And I will. Would not poop again.

Conclusion

My journey of finding the ultimate throne is well under way, and being able to provide the general poopulation with reviews, photos and tips for their own travels has recently become my side-quest.  A little trick for rating a toilet is this easy little acronym, SQPPFF (pronounced Sack-Puff).  This will remind you of the 5 main categories, Seat, Quality of Paper, Paper Placement, Flush, and Finishing touches. 

I hope with the help of this guide and my Instagram page you can properly respect what goes into a full lavatory rating and even grade your own facilities to improve your guests satisfaction.  Follow my page @HowsTheThrone for more reviews, giveaways, and titillating conversations.